connection, vulnerability, authenticity…and self~worth

One afternoon, entangled in one of my near-signature “disheveled, researcher, must organize, simplify and make sense of a syrupy mess for both myself and others mode,” I began thinking about the people I have known or have worked with over the years who are (from my perception) living a balanced and whole hearted life with an apparent sense of ease. I began mentally tallying up the character qualities and life circumstances of these souls and slowly began paying closer attention to those I was most often around and working with for more measure.

The pattern that I began to notice fundamentally expanded my perception, influenced the way that I live and love, and fanned out what I am able to bring to others…

The pattern begins with connection.

Once we’ve reached a certain depth in exploring the spiritual realm, we begin to realize that connection is one of the larger reasons we are here—and one of the larger instigators of change. It gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It presents us with challenges from which we learn and grow. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking with people who work in biology, psychology, sociology, medical science—what people in all fields are on the rise in grasping is that connection—the ability to feel affiliated, aligned and united—is an essential component to the design of a meaningful and fulfilled physical life.

digging deeper…

When I ask people about love, I will often hear a tale about heart break. When I ask about happiness, many people jump on the straight and fast track to referencing a past or current state of sadness. When I ask about connection—stories of guilt, fear and shame frequently begin to percolate. I’ll focus on the last of this line-up: shame.

Shame is defined as a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace. It is further understood as the fear of disconnection—the fear that if others know or see something about us that we don’t believe to be “up to par,” we will not be worthy of connection. We all experience shame. It naturally co-rides with a whole slew of pals in the spectrum of human emotion.

(and deeper…we’re getting there;))

The feeling or experience that often feeds into this sense of “I’m not good enough, wealthy enough, smart enough, appreciated enough” is vulnerability; the notion that in order for a real connection to take place, we must reveal ourselves, lay all out on the table, allow ourselves to be seen…truly seen. Many people hold the view of vulnerability as a weak or negative state. Whether it’s for reasons of perceived proper etiquette or remaining emotionally “strong” for somebody else, I hear scores of people dishing out the advice to refrain from being too sensitive or unprotected. Some could easily make a career out of erasing vulnerability from their life, as if consistently sweeping it under the rug will seamlessly allow all else to fall perfectly into place.

If I take the people in my life, and divide them into 2 groups: those who really have a strong sense of worthiness (a strong sense of love and belonging) and those who struggle with feeling worthy, one variable immediately stands out—> the people who have a strong sense of love and connection believe that they are worthy of love and connection. It is that simple. They believe in their value. A large part of what keeps us out of connection is our fear that we are lacking in some way.

Another tie-in for these people who live with this strong sense of self-value?
Another robust interweaving character element?
{It happens to be my favorite…}

Authenticity.

Those who feel valuable bring themselves to the table each and every time. They tell the story of who they are with their entire being. They have the courage to be imperfect. They treat themselves with kindness and compassion, and as a result, treat all others with this same backbone of tenderness. They are surrounded by and embrace connection as a backwash of authenticity. These folks are willing to let go of who they think they should be in order to be who they are! And to top it all off; they fully embrace vulnerability. They trust in the inherent beauty of revealing their true selves. They are willing to be the first to tell someone how they feel, to follow passions sans any guarantees, to put everything into a relationship or a decision that feels so right to the heart, but may be lacking in sense and reason to the mind.
Embracing vulnerability is one of the keys to connection.

Sure, vulnerability may play a bit of a role in cultivating the feelings of shame, fear and worthiness, but vulnerability can also be the wellspring of joy, creativity, connection and love.

In lieu of attempting to perfect, to pretend, to fit into another’s idea of living and of being, we can allow ourselves to be seen, deeply seen—vulnerably seen. We can love and give without reservation. We can practice gratitude and lean into joy…and, finally, we can believe that we are worthy—that we, in our most bare and authentic form, are enough.

Indeed, we are.